Faith Friday: God Does Not Create Mistakes!

Faithful Friday

The G+ community I belong to, #christianbloggers has posted another thought provoking challenge!  

"Explain a time when God's word was a particular comfort to you in the trial you faced at the time."

I can't at this time go into the trial so deeply as to share it properly.  However I can tell you of my own sin that added to my trial.  

I am about to be vulnerable, very open and ashamed in front of you.  

The passage: 

Psalm 139:13-16 

For You formed my inward parts;

You wove me in my mother’s womb. 

I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Wonderful are Your works,

And my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from You,

When I was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; 

Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;

And in Your book were all written 

The days that were ordained for me,

When as yet there was not one of them. 

There was a time in my life that I didn't really like myself much.  That statement just doesn't even begin to cover how much I disliked myself.  When did this start?  I don't remember a moment when I just decided not to like myself... Or hate myself.  In middle school I kept a bag packed and hidden in my closet.  Unknown to my parents I felt I was too much of a burden to them.  They still don't know this.  It wasn't anything they did, didn't do, said or didn't say.  It was just something I 'knew' in my heart.  

By highschool I didn't so much feel a burden to others as I just hated myself, pure and simple.  I didn't fit in, I hated myself for it.  Only the other misfits accepted me.  I hated myself for it.  I was short... Yup, hated myself for that too.  I felt ugly and hated that too.  I was different, but not in a physical way, in my heart and soul I've always been different.  

While in highschool I dreamed almost nightly two repeating dreams.  They were never the same, but they followed two themes.  In one dream theme I would see my murdered body.  I think that's honestly what I thought I deserved.  In another I was always being chased, tortured or murdered by It.  You know It don't you?  He's the clown in that movie.  It.  Steven King wrote the book.  

My junior year in highschool I met Prince Charming.  He called me beautiful, he even tolerated my wacky and off colored but wonderful family.  He pursued me like nobody else.  Unlike other guys, he didn't jump in with 'I love you' and unrealistic commitments.  He just spent time with me.  We ate together, saw movies together, volunteered together.  This went on for several months.  

My self hate started to resolve into a self tolerance.  I started to actually feel pretty.  Maybe my head swelled up a little.  I still didn't like my personality. How absurd is that?  Is it even possible to not like who you are at the core of your being?  That's too deep for me.

PC tiptoed into a deeper relationship with me. He'd been burned before and loved me enough to be cautious. I'm not even sure he knows how much I look back at that with gratitude.  I think I'll tell him that tonight... And make cookies!  Ok, back to memory lane... 

As I said, my self hatred started easing up.  We finally married in 2004.  We settled into a decent life and routine.  But we stopped going to church.   Eventually, as many do, our 'happily ever after' ended. We hurt each other.  I was over dramatic and downright ridiculous.  When he would hurt me, I would fight back and hurt him back.  It was all revenge baby.  Because of each of our sins, against eachother I became deeply hurt.  It was a hurt I couldn't fathom. There were lies and pain from the one I loved so much. The one who I thought would never ever hurt me.  

That old friend seeped back in.  Self hate.  I got back into my hateful mirror routine.  Anyone else ever do this?  Just stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself what you really think?  Just how much you hate yourself and why?  I did that in highschool as well.  When I started up again, I added to it.  I started listing off all the reasons why PC hated me too.  The stupid part about that is he never has hated me and would never say anything like that.  It's hard to believe anyone likes you when can't stand yourself.  It's impossible to believe someone might LOVE you when you only HATE YOURSELF.  

This is when we started back at church.  Fast forward a few years or feel free to read up on that  on my testimony page..

At crossroads, my current church, 3-4 years ago, we were back in a hurtful cycle yet again.  I came across this passage in the Bible during a study with a wonderful group of ladies.  Psalms 139. I memorized the whole chapter.  But it was verse 14 that really hit me like a brick.  That sweet and gentle verse just about crushed me under the weight of my sin.  

SELF HATE IS A SIN

It truly is.  I never realized that.  I wasn't hurting anybody, so who cared right?  I finally realized that by hating myself I was hating Gods creation.  Me.  Lets look at Genisis 1:2 again.  

Genesis 1:2 The earth was formless and void, and darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was moving over the surface of the waters. 

In other translations, it says God 'hovered' over the surface.  Either way He was hanging out.  I like to suppose He was contemplating His imminent creation.  He knew Adam and Eve would fail Him.  He knew all of us would.  He knew exactly who I would be, what I would do and where I would go.  He knew I would be just as much of a failure at living a perfect life as anyone else.  He created me anyway.  He gave me my heart and soul, that personality that I had hated for so long.  

He created me anyway.  He CREATED me anyway.  He created ME anyway.  HE, the ALMOGHTY,  THE GREAT I AM chose to create me, knowing how wretchful I would become.  He not only knew what my days would hold, but He ordained them from the beginning of time.  

Self hatred is a sin.  I say it again because it isn't a disease, or a mental disorder (though mental disorders are real and shouldn't be taken lightly or mistaken with a result of sin). The only cure is Christ.  Not self help books, not self esteem building exercises, not medications.  Not even your own Prince Charming can heal you.  I thought mine had...  But Christ is the only one that can crush Satan's lie.  Looking to Christ's perfection, finding your SECURITY in Christ is the only way to heal a broken heart.  

This verse really opened this truth up to me.  It took a lot more than reading it once in awhile or attending a bible study.  I simply don't have the time or emotional energy to write it right now.  Prince charming and I are so much in love still.  At times it feels like we've even picked up our happily ever after again.  We aren't perfect yet by any means. I look forward to finding that perfection in Heaven through Christ!

If you take nothing else from this:  

God does not create mistakes.